Three Dads in the Stands. Which One Are You?
By Kent Evans – Executive Director, Manhood Journey
I’ve played, coached or attended thousands of youth sports events. It seems to me there are three kinds of dads in the stands. Which one do you want to be? Let’s take a look.
1. Aggressive Alan
First, there’s the “My Kid is the Next Lebron James” dad. We’ll call him Aggressive Alan. He’s “that” guy. Alan is convinced his boy is on a one-way trip to a D1 scholarship and an ESPN 30-For-30 special. He’s already bought his sweats. The glam ones, with the drawstrings on the inside. He wants to look great sitting beside his son when the young prodigy declares where he’ll take his talents in college.
We know this dad by his yell. It’s not just the volume, it’s the tone. He’s angry. He’s angry when his son plays (“Set the SCREEN! Box OUT!”). He’s angry when his son doesn’t play (“This coach is ridiculous.”). We cringe sitting next to him. Our thoughts war between, “Glad I’m not his boy,” (if we’re honest); and, “Man, that kid is gonna need some encouragement (and maybe a great therapist).” It would be comical if it weren’t so tragic.
2. Deluded Dave
Second, there’s the “Kind but Clueless” dad, Deluded Dave. Dave’s young Susie, by all objective measures, is, um…what’s the right word? Ineffective? Terrible? She tries hard, but whoo-boy, she’s just not good at this sport. Every possession is a double-dribble, travel or turnover. She’s a sweet young girl. On a basketball team, though, she’s a liability. The effort is there but the results are lacking.
We know this dad by his hilarious commentary. “Oh! Susie, you did great!” (so, “great” is now defined as falling down as the ball rolls out of bounds?). “Nice pass, Sue-baby!” (Dave, you realize we’re not playing dodgeball, right?). “You’ll get it next time!” (clearly, stats and probabilities are not Dave’s strong suit). He wants to encourage, but slides onto the thin ice of telling his cherished daughter things that simply aren’t true.
To be fair, Dave is an upgrade. At least he’s relatively encouraging and is building into his relationship with his daughter. You can laugh and enjoy Dave’s company. His girl may not be (correction: absolutely is not) headed to the WNBA. However, at least she knows her dad’s in her corner.
3. Encouraging Eddie
Still, there is another kind of dad who’s a level up from both Alan and Dave. He’s the one we strive to be like: Encouraging Eddie. We can spot Eddie by how he engages with the whole team, how he carries himself, and when he chooses to be vocal and when he gets quiet.
The difference between Aggressive Alan and Encouraging Eddie is obvious. Alan is crushing his child – often publicly – under the weight of unrealistic expectations. Eddie knows better than to do that. But, the difference between Eddie and Dave is more subtle. Eddie can strike the balance between encouragement and telling the truth.
Eddie will say, “Great effort, Bobby!” That’s true. Bobby gave it the ol’ college try. Or, he’ll say, “Keep going, don’t quit!” even when they’re down by 20 with three minutes to go. He knows they’re going to lose, but now, he’s pivoted to giving them Galatians 6:9 style exhortation. It’s about character and effort, not the final score.
Also, Eddie understands that his son realizes when he’s made a mistake. When Bobby turns the ball over, he knows it. Everybody knows it. That’s not the time for Eddie to pile-on. Eddie praises effort and he doesn’t chide players when errors are made.
Eddie has his head screwed on straight and knows what he’s trying to accomplish by having his son or daughter in sports. He parents, engages, and cheers to that end. His goal isn’t a free ride or Netflix documentary. He wants his child to grow in the fear and admonition of the LORD (Ephesians 6:4) and to be a light in dark places (Philippians 2:15).
He wants his son to cheer for the starters even if he’s riding the bench. So, Eddie cheers for the whole team and doles out praise so liberally. It can be hard to figure out who his own child is since he’s encouraging everybody. He wants his daughter to come alongside a teammate after a tough loss. So, Eddie will go and privately speak to the girl who gave up the home run and tell her he’s proud of her and to keep going. He sets the example for his son and daughter to follow (1 Corinthians 11:1).
Said another way, since Eddie knows his end-game, he realizes how to parent in-game.
The sad truth? You and I have been Alan and Dave more often than we care to admit. We’ve made the same mistakes. We have pushed our kids too hard and chided them in public. Or, we’ve told them they were going places in sports, knowing full well they probably were not.
Yet, on occasion, we’ve been Encouraging Eddie! We’ve laughed about that huge loss and even taken the team out for ice cream to “celebrate” the end of their season, even if it came too soon. We thanked coaches, shook hands with referees and told opposing players “Great game!” after an-old fashioned beat down. We knew our goal and parented accordingly.
4. An Eddie-In-Progress
I coach my young boys in soccer and baseball in our church league. I’ve tried to become more like Encouraging Eddie. Just this past season, though, I was (again) Aggressive Alan.
My son Timothy is fourteen. During a tournament soccer game, he left his man open and sure enough, a few seconds later the ball was in the back of the net. I called out from the sidelines, “Tomthy! That was your man!” Well, thanks a lot, coach for pointing out the obvious. In front of everyone.
My wife April and I have been married for thirty years. She’s my number one cheerleader and my most trusted advisor. She carefully and tactfully approached me later that day asking, “So, when you called out to Timothy, did you think that was helpful?” Brilliant. She is so good! I was wrong to do that, and it certainly didn’t help him grow or improve.
I pulled him aside later and talked about it. I apologized for calling him out in public. I had fallen back into my Aggressive Alan approach, but wanted to recalibrate and stay in Encouraging Eddie lane.
How about you?
Here are a few questions dads (and moms) can ask ourselves to see which dad we’re most like. These aren’t meant to shame you; but if they convict, then so be it. We need to be dads who model Christ’s character all the time, and in the stands at youth sports is a great place to do that:
- When we let our kids play sports, what is our end game? Why do we have them on the team at all? What is our motivation?
- At the end of any given season, how do we hope our kids have grown during that time?
- Do we see ourselves as encouragers of the whole team, or just our own children? How might this affect our pre-game and post-game engagement?
- Do we view the coaches as allies? What could we do to be the parent they look forward to seeing in the stands each week?
Dad, knowing your end-game will help you know how to act in-game.
Let’s go.
About Kent Evans
Kent Evans is the Executive Director and co-founder of Manhood Journey, a ministry that helps dads become disciple-makers. After a twenty-year career as a business leader, he embarked on biblical fatherhood ministry projects. He’s authored four books and is a speaker at parenting and men’s events. He and his wife April have been married for more than three decades. They have five sons, two daughters-in-law, and reside in Louisville, Kentucky.
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